Friday, January 22, 2010

Coaching Carousel

Seeing as the grand majority of people who regularly peruse my posts (without leaving comments) seem to be people who only read my enraged drivel because they find it amusing (and not because they regard Notre Dame football as some sort of rare and precious elixir that will last only long enough to ensure that no internal organs shrivel up during the dry, blistering desert that is the off-season), I feel the need to post a note regarding the current activity of the college football world. Purely for educational purposes, of course, which means that obviously I should not feel any guilt whatsoever about composing this during work.

So, if you have not been paying any attention at all since Brian Kelly was hired, or since Jimmy and Golden declared for the NFL draft, or since the last time I posted a deranged Facebook note (and I suspect that the people who have not been paying attention to any of this are the same people who are unclear about what it means to say that Notre Dame’s defense will be switching from a 4-3 to a 3-4 this season)…here are a few important updates of which you should be aware:

My Least Favorite Person In All Of College Football resigned. And then un-resigned.

You may be shocked to realize that this person has never played a down of football for the Irish and also does not reside in the state of California (or rather, Washington, as we will discuss in a moment). No, my least favorite person in college football is, in fact, the walking pinnacle of un-Popeliness himself: Coach Urban MCMXCIX.

(…and he parties like it, too.)

I find this most distressing, mostly because I can no longer express my utter distaste and unfounded loathing for this conniving little slop bucket with quite as much zeal as before. I mean, it’s one thing to rail against a smarmy little sunshine-dwelling, recruit-stealing championship-winner whose players have a complete disregard for other people’s eyeballs…but there’s just something wildly indelicate about insulting a man who has just realized that he doesn’t know his family and is on the verge of cardiac arrest because his entire life for the last twenty years has consisted of yelling at out-of-breath twenty-one-year-olds who are simultaneously trying to decipher the significance of "Ace Right z-Dig x-Shallow Bananaberry Split London Bridge on-one on-one" and recall the last name of the girl whose phone number somehow ended up scrawled across their right forearm this morning.

I mean…it just doesn’t seem sporting.

Unless, of course, Meyer really is the kind of fargin’ icehole that anyone with morals / a conscience / a human soul that hasn’t been sold to the devil always suspected him to be.

Shortly after stepping down from the head coaching position at Florida, he decided to change his resignation to an “indefinite leave of absence,” which is so indefinite that he “expects to be on the sidelines for the 2010 season,” at least according to this article from ESPN.

And then there’s the wild rumor surrounding the recruiting of Sharrif Floyd, one of the top defensive tackles in the country, who was recently named National Football Player of the Year by the Maxwell Football Club. He had offers from Penn State, Ohio State, North Carolina, South Carolina, and the Trojans, but after a long and stressful decision-making process that apparently involved Urban Meyer receiving visions from God, he settled on Florida.

Now, of course, these comments are so outrageous that they are most likely complete hogwash. The following quote apparently surfaced first on a South Carolina blog, and skipped around the blogosphere for a while before being refuted by Floyd himself, via a Florida Gators blog.

The following quote purportedly came from Floyd’s high school coaches, describing the decision-making process behind Floyd’s commitment to Florida:

Sharrif was really confused and put a call into Coach Meyer. When they spoke Coach Meyer told him that he had a ‘dream’ the night before, and that Coach Meyer saw himself on the sideline coaching Sharrif. Told him that is was a “message from God that I should come back and coach, as I guess if it’s my time to die, I’d rather die on the sidelines coaching you than anywhere else in the world.

Sharrif talked to us the next day and said Ohio State is great and all, but Coach Meyer said he would DIE for me. That’s pretty intense…

Oh, Internet. The things you come up with.

The rebuttal from Floyd is posted on this here Gators fan message board:

I read those comments and when I did I immediately spoke with my head coach Ron Cohen. Coach Cohen told me that it was not true at all and nothing like that was ever said. I immediately called Urban Meyer to let him know what was being said on the internet. I wanted to let everyone know that this is total and false information. I never said that to my coach because it did not happen and my coach never said that to anyone. I am going to the University of Florida because that is where I want to go. I have a great relationship with Urban Meyer and I am a Gator. A lot of schools tried to hit me with the religion pitch but not Florida, not at all and that's how it is and I am not going to change my mind. I have talked to a bunch of my friends and they think this is something that started on one of the Ohio State boards. People are trying to get back at me for not going to Ohio State and not going to their team but I know what I am and that is a Florida Gator.

So what do we believe here? Was it irate Ohio State fans – or perhaps irate South Carolina fans—making things up to get back at Floyd? Is Urban Meyer really just an unholy corksoaker who will stop at nothing to land recruits? Are the Florida fans just trying to cover their team’s ass by blaming everything on the Ohio State fans? (The Internet reports: You Decide.)

Whatever the case, I’m going to try to tone down the Urban Meyer-related rage until the fargin’ bastige is actually back on the sidelines again.

In the meantime, I guess I’ll have to find another target at which to direct all the impotent anger I feel for coaches who get away with being walking penises simply because their players actually win football games. Speaking of which,

The World’s Largest Walking Penis Has Officially Departed from Condom Land.

It is possible that, in the course of this insult, I have inadvertently paid Pete Carroll a compliment. (I understand that men are quite sensitive about this whole “size” issue.) But let me assure you that no kind intentions were meant. Any lapses in my ability to properly lambast this man for being a licentious piece of weasel dung with all the aged dignity of a man whose face / integrity looks like it has been slowly reduced to a pulpy oozing mess by a never-ending string of BB pellets, apparently being fired at him by his own inner child, result from the sheer frustration of knowing that this man never lost a football game to the Irish.

And now he’s bolting for the NFL.

Yes, it seems the Amazing Walking Penis caught a whiff of changes afoot in South Bend / the cantankerous scent of justice being spewed forth by NCAA Violations Committees (well. perhaps that’s stretching it a bit.) and decided to head north, toward the scent of several million dollars being thrown in his general direction by the overzealous management of the Seattle Seahawks, who apparently decided that lusting after Carroll was a better game plan than holding onto Jim Mora, Jr., whose first and only season with the Seahawks resulted in a lackluster 5-11 record. (And people say Notre Dame’s too hasty with its coaching turnovers.)

What a skeaze bucket. Skeaze. Bucket.

There’s been so much change already in this off-season. I can’t handle it. I feel like the college football landscape just jump-shifted slightly to the left and now all the sportswriters (read: Sports Illustrated) are falling all over themselves to talk about how good Alabama is, because apparently they’ve lost all faith in Florida, USC, upstart teams like Cincinnati, etc.

Oh, SI preseason poll. You are smoking the hardest kind of crack there is. Ohio State at number three? Ha! Ha ha! Please stop trying to pretend like the Big 10 is good, or that anybody outside the state of Ohio actually cares about teams from Ohio. (I mean, there may be 110,000 people sitting up in Ann Arbor’s ass crack who possibly care about a certain team from Ohio, but their opinions aren’t really worth endorsing, either.) I cannot believe somebody gets paid for coming up with the outrageous horseshit that is a preseason poll in January.


Upcoming: Actual commentary on what's going on with ND's football program.

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